Strong Bonds

Posted Mon Mar 21, 2005 in Depression

Some time ago, Lee posted an essay on the Never Ending Heartache. In her essay she said:

Letting go has always been hard for me. When I love, I love for life, whether that be a friendship/family kind of love or a romantic one.

There was something in that statement that struck a responsive chord within me. I am not sure just why that is, and at the time I was a little surprised, not completely surprised, I assure you, because I know a few things about myself. Still, my curiosity was piqued.

As far back as I can remember, I formed bonds with few individuals, but when formed, those bonds were extraordinarily strong. That is, I do not let others get very close very often, but when I do, they are attached permanently to my psyche.

My doctor told me today that I am not a man “defined by his profession, but one defined by the quality of his relationships.” I was not really surprised by that statement as I think I have seen this coming. But what I failed to see is that I am really struggling with the imminent departure of Daughter and the strong test that distance will place on that relationship. I am not ready to lose her. I feel I have lost so many already and I cannot stand to lose another.

So, my current bout with depression is about my relationships. In particular, it seems to be with regard to my relationship with Daughter. We are going to spend as much time together as we can. Then it will remain to see what happens after the move.

But I cannot help but think of the implications of my epiphany. If, indeed, I am defined by my relationships, then that makes me an oddball of an engineer, for one thing. For another, it clarifies why I do not play the academic game so well. After all, I busy myself investing in the relationships that I have with my students and my colleagues, and not with the coin of the realm.

That is, what is important to me is the working with my research team, my students, and my sponsors and ensuring that those relationships are solid. That is at my core value; not in the production of research papers and journal articles. I do not play the game well at all, only well enough to get by. Where I really invest is in the people.

That explains why, when one of my regular reads disappears, I feel that loss. It is why I check on my online friends with an email when I do not hear something from them in awhile. It is why I pick up the phone and call my friends and loved ones whenever I sense something is not quite right. It is why I spend time on my students even when I should be doing something that the university will pat me on the head for. It is why the research team is more important than who gets credit for the work. It is why I think that people are more important than anything else.

Hell, that makes me sound like some kind of saint. But, I am not. There is a form of self-defense because when the relationships are not in good condition, it hurts and it hurts bad. So, I keep investing in those relationships not out of some altruistic motivation, but because those relationships are vitally important to me too. It is a two-way street. I give energy to the relationship and I receive energy in return, and vice versa. Yeah, it is a complete circuit.

I guess there are still a few things to learn about myself. I do not think that I am quite done yet.

1. Ultimately, in spite of what their administrations want to portray, universities are supposed to be institutions of higher learning- in the sense of educating students. As a professor, you should be judged on how well you interact with students, and how much they learn from you. Research, while important, should be secondary. The reality is that research means money. Journal articles really are a poor measure of what professors are paid by the public to do, in my opinion.
   
   To bad I don’t make those decisions. — Dazed n Confused    22 March 2005, 04:16    #
   
   
2. I wander everyday if I did the right thing. I’m sorry things have worked out the way the have, Dave. I hope we can find some way to cope with the distance God knows its not easy. — SiL    22 March 2005, 06:29    #
   
   
3. I have another essay to write on that one, Dazed, and I will.
   
   Son, the one thing that I don’t want to happen is for you to second-guess yourself. You have done what you thought in your heart was right for you and your family. That will always be good enough for me. As for the distance, I have every confidence that we’ll work that out.
   
   I understand something of the hell you’ve been through, being separated from your family for two years. That’s more than any man should have to bear. But you have done it, and done it well. I am so happy that you will be reunited with your family soon and I want nothing to take anything away from that. This is a good thing and don’t let anything that I say take something away from that. OK? — ruminator    22 March 2005, 06:37    #
   
   
4. ok — SiL    22 March 2005, 18:04    #
   
   
5. The most important (and difficult) psychological precept for me has been that life is a process.
   
   I fully expected to reach an age of emotional maturity. An age that allows me the ability to sit back and just know. Know how to deal with my feelings, relationships, stress, disappointment, etc. I’m disappointed that I’m not there yet. I’m 45 already. I should be there by now. I should be able to deal with this life thing pretty well.
   
   But no, it seems that I’m not there yet and with any luck, I won’t ever get to that level of knowledge for then I will no longer be afforded the opportunity to learn. — AStone    23 March 2005, 10:37    #